I hate the medicine that I take. I can feel too much or nothing at all. I wish I could exist in the in-between like other people. I miss the feeling of sexual attraction. I just can't let myself be who I was before. It's too dangerous to myself. 

It's an impossible choice, really, but I know you'd rather me take the pills. You always have been the better half.

It's strange because I don't really read anymore.

Once in a great while, I might pick up a book and read it. I might finish it, and I might not. It depends, really. Maybe I'm busy, but probably not. Maybe I'd rather watch a movie.

But I miss that feeling you get when you read, really  read. When you look at the words and you see this character that is as alive as you are and might be brilliant and stubborn and brave and shy and all of these cute little things. And you can capture them in movies, but I miss the way I used to feel when all I needed to see these things were the words.

Meds?

Hello, new friend.


Lately, I have not been taking my medications regularly. I know it's not good for my body to fluctuate so much on my Yaz and Lexapro. I know. I don't know why it is so difficult for me to take these pills. It's not an excuse if I'm sleeping or tired. For some reason, even after nearly two years, it's difficult for me to accept that I need medication to function. I feel good when I take it, and then I forget that it's all I have to do is take a pill and I am a nearly-functional person. And that's awesome!

It sucks that my body is messed up, but I'm no better than my uncle. He didn't take his anti-stroke medication and - surprise! - had a stroke. He could've avoided being paralyzed on the right side of his body. I can avoid these mood swings and anxiety attacks by taking my medication. My brain is sick, and I can't just avoid medication because I don't want to be sick.

For some reason, I have the best revelations during class.